25.9.15

Haven’t found the way forward yet.

A few days ago, I dug out this notebook and found this unfinished piece of writing. Originally, I read a stream-of-consciousness essay by Tang Jun and wanted to write one myself too. But what I ended up writing was nonsensical and incomplete. Since I have some free time today, I finally finished the rest.

Life is just like the string of a qin—if the string breaks, life loses its meaning. Actually, things were okay before; at least I still had a sense of purpose keeping me going. But ever since I was diagnosed with depression, even that purpose has faded away. Right now, I’m just barely holding on to life.

Suddenly, I realized I don’t like information technology that much. Could origami be the true passion of my heart instead?

25.9.16

It’s raining again. It’s pouring heavily, and the outside is shrouded in a white haze.

The weather is perfect for sleeping, but I just can’t fall asleep. Though it doesn’t matter anyway—sooner or later, I’ll sleep forever.

This morning, I made an appointment for counseling. I originally wanted to book a slot for this afternoon, but it was already taken. Honestly, it doesn’t matter when I go; I don’t know if these few days will make any difference.

Tomorrow, I still have to interview new recruits. I’ll be pretty busy.

I want to go to Xiaojian to watch the stars.

25.9.17

Why is it raining again? My shoes are wet once more.

Why do they keep pushing me around… Am I supposed to take on all the roles by myself? Everything is dumped on me—am I a superhero or something…

This afternoon, the Converged Media Department is recruiting new members. I don’t know if the teacher will let me go. I have a feeling we won’t get many people with actual skills.

Well, the candidates are decent enough, but why on earth did they take the interview forms away?

25.9.18

It’s so cold… I don’t want to move.

Why do we have to stay until after evening self-study to leave school tomorrow? Brother Ji, are you abandoning your parents?

25.9.19

Congratulations to Brother Ji for finally getting to care for his parents again—we get off after four classes this afternoon.

The weather is really nice today; perfect for sleeping.

I’m going to my counseling session this afternoon. I don’t know if Sister Yu will let me go. If she doesn’t, I’ll just leave anyway.

Turns out the dent on Sister Feng’s head was from a fall when she was a kid. No wonder. Actually, being a bit scatterbrained like this isn’t so bad—living without overthinking things could work too.