Midnight Thoughts-25/7/21

I shouldn’t have chatted with others in the middle of the night

In the end, I realized it was because I couldn’t accept reality like others and was just venting frustration.

I’ve discovered that I’m ultimately a nostalgic person.

Because I can never calmly face the gap between reality and the past.

In the past, I wouldn’t say I was top-tier, but I was certainly excellent. But now, I’m as down and out as one can be.

I envy those beloved by everyone, because wherever they go, they become the center of attention.

But I’m not. I’ve always been a marginal character, a supporting role.

I deeply crave others’ attention and recognition.

That’s why I want absolute obedience to my commands, not rebuttals that make me furious.

But obviously, I don’t possess this ability.

This creates a huge gap between ideals and reality. Clearly, I lack the power to bridge this gap.

But I’m unwilling to accept it. Do others make friends through good grades? Then I’ll try that too. Do others make friends by telling jokes? Then I’ll try that too.

But facts have proven me wrong.

Where’s the way out?

I don’t know.

I encountered computers earlier than phones. This gave me an advantage in computer classes. Later, Scratch entered my horizon - a visual programming software developed by MIT.

Though basic by today’s standards, I was completely obsessed with it back then.

Later, I created many projects with Scratch and won some minor awards. Unfortunately, they ultimately weren’t significant enough.

Besides creating, there were exams like CPA and Blue Bridge Cup. It was during these exams that I learned YC had a special informatics Olympiad class.

I really wanted to join, but it was just my wishful thinking—my math was too poor.

I don’t know why my math is so bad—maybe environment, maybe fate. But I know I haven’t broken this curse all these years.

I still remember taking special enrollment exams for YC and DC, only to receive an offer from CiJi (which I declined—going there would be worse than attending Bazhong).

I ultimately missed my dream.

That’s why my heart always sours when I see YC’s signboard.

Middle school life arrived, but it was worlds apart from what I imagined.

Sports day? Only once. Field trips? Just once. Clubs? Nonexistent. All thanks to the pandemic.

In reality, my IT talents weren’t fully utilized—I just wrote about a hundred lines of code to win a municipal first prize.

Without exaggeration, the computer teacher probably knew less Python than I did.

(And I even worked for them for free—teaching classes while they sat back collecting salaries)

In middle school, I was a late bloomer. First year: building foundations. Second year: taking off. Third year: peaking. Even I was surprised by my progress—I originally aimed for NS when entering, never imagined I could reach for MZ.

The result was good—I made it.

But,

Human sorrows and joys don’t resonate. —Luan Xiao/Bai Wen

My success doesn’t mean everyone succeeded—this was just my wishful thinking. Like when I aced the PE exam, I naturally hoped everyone in my group would get perfect scores—which was impossible.

Still, life goes on.

High school life wasn’t as wonderful as I imagined. The shame of being last in class remains etched in my mind.

Frankly, my high school experience was rather unsatisfactory.

I tried minimalism. But only after doing it did I realize some things can’t be discarded—like past glories.

Who doesn’t understand the principle of traveling light? Who doesn’t want that?

But understanding and acting are different. Human nature is nostalgic—we naturally filter memories through rose-tinted glasses.

To achieve this goal, I’m willing to do anything, like splitting my memory into two halves: past and present.

I must admit, this plan is still ongoing—its outcome depends on the future.

After reflection, I’ve decided to release all past writings into the public domain—a burial for the past. After all, “if you accept food, your mouth softens; if you take gifts, your hands shorten.” Someone will remember a “person” named Shaohu Laobing existed.

Work hard, Ea ci WereGone, your future self is waiting for you.